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I hadn't planned to listen to Obama's STFU speech last night. My heart just isn't strong enough.

But my son thought it would be interesting. So I brought out those little medicine dosing cups for the whole family and some cans of soda pop, and I set them on the coffee table The family looked at me like I'd gone crazy. I drew up a list:

• Blaming someone else (Bush)
• "fair share"
• "Let me be clear" (or variations)
• I, me, me, me, I, did I mention me?
• Imaginary playmates/using people as props
• Just plain fantasy
• I'm going to act on my own--damn the Constitution
• discriminate against someone based on "who they love"

Five sentences in I had already taken five drinks. My son just ended up putting marks on a paper under the categories.

Obama started out the speech with a whole string of imaginary playmates. His fantasy friends were setting the stage for his next category: Fantasy facts. He started describing this amazing turn-around that he had orchestrated. "Our deficits cut by more than half!"

No, seriously. He said that.

Okay, while you're calling the nurse to bring in a rape kit for your intelligence, let's go over this. You're not fooled. You know the difference between a deficit and a debt. You also know the old retail trick where you walk in the store and see the blue jeans on sale for half price. Only $49.00! The $100 price on the label has a big red line drawn through it. But that exact pair of pants had a price tag of $32 last week.

If there is any way the numbers can be twisted to show the deficit being cut, it's because Obama's policies had pushed it so high it had nowhere else to go.

Another imaginary friend/prop lost her job due to Obama's crappy economy. But he used her as a club to beat up Republicans on extending unemployment benefits--which he claims "study after study" shows will create jobs (The "Let me be clear" theme). He completely glossed over the underlying issue of his horrible economy being the reason people are unemployed.

No, I didn't have a category for the "Limbaugh Theorem." But it was on full display.

For example, the President railed on some imaginary force that was preventing him from fulfilling his six year old promise to close Guantanamo Bay. The President could close Gitmo tomorrow. It's like my wife said "This is a campaign speech."

He is now telling us how he opposes the war in Afghanistan, "just like all of you do!" Afghanistan was his "good" war. He supported Afghanistan to contrast how bad George Bush's Iraq war was. Then he found himself painted into a corner.

If a theme were to emerge from the speech, it might be taking his outlandish failures and touting them as successes. Obama has famously failed in Syria, Iraq, Iran, and has thrown Israel to the wolves. Those are the most recent foreign-policy failures of a never ending string of egregious foreign policy catastrophe he has orchestrated since he took office.

He got owned by Putin in Syria after making a first-class fool of himself. He created a perfect staging ground for a strengthened Al Quaeda in Iraq, which they took over immediately after he abandoned them. And he guaranteed Iran the ability to develop nuclear weapons within weeks, sacrificing Israel to them in the process.

But he had the gall to bring those affairs up. He's counting on the fact that the people watching his highlight reel haven't been following any of the games all year. Anybody who follows the sport, he doesn't care about anyway.

Another imaginary friend signed up for his insurance on January 1st, and on January 3rd felt a sharp pain. I am not making this up--he really said that. She had emergency surgery and Obama saved her life!

Then he explained how because of Obamacare we're going to discontinue that practice that we've always employed in this country of charging women more because they are women.

I swear on a stack of Bibles he said that. Look it up.

I needed to modify the "who they love" category to some kind of general liberal lunacy. Obama declared that "The debate is settled. Climate change is a fact." This, of course, is based on his extensive background as a scientist.

I nailed it on most of my predictions, but anyone who's been paying attention could have written the speech the President gave last night. You probably had your own drinking game. I was a little surprised that I never heard the words "pay their fair share." The idea was woven in, but Obama always uses "fair share" the way a teenager uses "like."

Finally . . .

Sgt. First Class Cory Remsburg, who got the most applause of the night, is a true superhero. He is a man deserving our respect and someone we owe a debt that can never be repaid. He is not imaginary.

What was imaginary was the yarn that Obama spun about them being BFF's.

This speaks to the "rape hoax" idea I'm always flapping my gums about. Talking about wounded soldiers and dead school kids is designed to shut down any criticism. You don't want to approach that.

It was a profanity for a man like Obama to try to associate himself with a genuine hero like Sgt. Remsburg.

"And we joked around, and took pictures, and I told him to stay in touch." 'Cause you know Obama and soldiers. Best buds. That's who he chooses to hang out with.

Oh bullshit.

I know you're smart enough to know this. Barack Obama never told his BFF Cory to "stay in touch." He never met Cory Remsburg before last night. In the buildup to this speech he sent his staff out to find someone to use as a prop. God bless Sgt. Remsburg for his sacrifice for the country I love. Shame on you Barack Obama for trying to use him to garner support for your destructive policies.

Obama started the speech with a list of imaginary playmates. But as it relates to our daily life, the person Obama keeps introducing to us is, unfortunately, not imaginary. He is Ben Dover.

I didn't get into the "I will act on my own" part of the speech. Mainly because everyone knew that was coming. It was a continuing thread throughout the speech. "I'll cut red tape . . . , I'll act on my own . . . wherever and whenever I can take steps without legislation . . . that's what I'm going to do!"

Someone has counted up all the times he asserted his dictatorial status. I'll let you get it from them.

I saved this part of the STFU speech analysis for a whole separate entry.

Obama was saying that millions of Americans outside Washington ya-de-ya-dah and "They believe, and I believe . . ."

This tactic of telling people they want something that you want them to want struck a chord with me.

This is a common office politics technique that I call "recruiting." Let's say you're sitting in Joe's office one morning with "Ron" going over a product design. Ron suggests that you try a new cryogenic treatment on the part. Joe politely says that the usual treatment is working fine at a much lower cost.

In the noon meeting "Ron" (as we're calling him, just to hang a name on him) tells the group of about a dozen people "You know, Joe thinks that we should try this new cryogenic treatment . . . and I tend to agree with him."

The people in the room are lukewarm, the usual treatment is working fine and it does cost less. Even so, they respect Joe's opinion.

After the meeting "Ron" runs to the office of the company president. "You know, my guys were all saying they want to try this new cryogenic treatment. And you know? I agree with them."

Gosh, Joe's on board, the whole Advanced Engineering Group is on board, I guess they believe it enough to convince Ron to come to me with it. I don't know, maybe it's something we'll try.

Time and again throughout the speech last night Obama was telling us what we wanted. And by golly, somehow we were able to convince him and bring him on board!

We want Guantanamo Bay closed. That's why he's finally convinced that it's something he should do. Now he opposes the war in Afghanistan, just like all of us do! Americans want to send their four year olds off to school. They can't wait. They want people to vote without showing ID--and they want it so much that they've convinced Obama. After all "opportunity is who we are."

Wow, I am so thankful I have Barack Obama to tell me who I am.

This is just too good. So predictable

Last night Obama continued to outline how evil we Americans are.

You know, today, women make up about half our workforce, but they still make 77 cents for every dollar a man earns. That is wrong, and in 2014, it's an embarrassment.

Women deserve equal pay for equal work.

That's interesting. I wonder why it is that female employees in the Obama White House make considerably less than their male colleagues?

Perhaps the best line of the night was when my son said "You said terrorist. That's a big boy step; I'm proud of you."

My son also made the point that people tend to lend credibility to what they see on TV. It's a big country and most people don't get to give speeches to the nation. If you have crawled your way to the top over the masses to the point that you get TV cameras aimed at you, there's an assumption that you're good.

Would you hire Obama give you advice on anything? Anything?

He knows nothing about the economics he was preaching to us last night. He knows nothing about business, education, energy, health care, climate, any kind of science; not the first thing about waging war or being a warrior or crafting foreign policy.

I'm pretty sure he has highly paid people who pick his clothes out for him. There is absolutely nothing that he is qualified to counsel me on.

Yet he's standing in front of the cameras telling us what's what.

And last brilliant point my son made, nothing to do with the speech.

We were talking about the "infighting" among Republicans and he figured out why you hear about that more than the same thing happening with democrats.

It's because Republicans are informed and they care.

Democrats swallow what they're fed without thinking. Afghanistan war good? Okay. Now it's bad? Okay.

Republicans are engaged enough that they know if McCain is pushing policy they don't think furthers our position, or when Rand Paul and Boehner disagree on the best way to do something. They have opinions and they pay attention.

Democrats don't. "Whatever, dude, I'm cool with whatever."

If both people in a conversation think exactly alike, one of them is redundant.

Let's pretend that for years you could come here and find a fresh post every Wednesday. Then one day you open the page and find that I've examined my life and decided that, as grateful as I am for both of my readers, I just have to focus my time on things other than posting to a blog.

In the imaginary universe where that were true it would be great to call my Random Post button "Forever Wednesday." It would be poignant; have a kind of sweet sadness—like a taxidermy rendering of a beloved pet that has passed on.

Even though you would miss my unnervingly consistent Wednesday posts, you could still sample the brilliance of my past observations.

Okay, so I missed the Wednesday posting deadline last week. That makes . . . let's see . . . four years in a row now.

You may have expected a post here every Wednesday. You may base that on all the times I said "No matter what you've heard, if you like your Wednesday posts, you can keep your Wednesday posts. Period."

Of course, what we said was, "If you like your Wednesday post—and I feel like posting and I'm not busy and my e-mail policy didn't delete all my notes and Saturn is in retrograde with Jupiter—you can keep your Wednesday post."

This is why I don't usually listen to KSL.

Grant was reading the news. I'm sure he's not a godless communist, he just reads what the network feeds him. He said "Sarah Palin said that the President needs to stop "quote" playing the race card. The former Alaska governor took to Facebook yesterday to criticize the President. She didn't mention how he was playing the race card."

Oh, hey, wait a minute! I wonder if it was when he said “There’s no doubt that there’s some folks who just really dislike me because they don’t like the idea of a black president"?!

No mention of how he was doing that . . . give me a freaking break!

You might have heard this somewhere before.

Chicks on the Right talked about an article pointing out how women who perpetrate rape hoaxes are "creating a mockery of the real victims of sexual assault."

You've heard some brilliant commentary on that somewhere . Wait a minute . . . could it have been? . . . I believe it was! Right here!

Of course my full-service blog expands on the concept, using the term "rape hoax" to describe any time the liberals hijack sacred principles for their own selfish ends. This is what they do with race, the environment, poverty, women's rights . . . you name it. They choose causes that are too sacred to be questioned, then they hoax them because they don't care. They just want power.

The year 2000 was a leap year. Every smart person knew that it was going to be. Every four years we have a leap year, the year 2000 is on the fourth year, the year 2000 is going to be a leap year.

But really, really smart people knew it wasn't. See, ever four years we have a leap year, but every 200 years we skip the leap year. That was supposed to be the 200th year.

But the rules changed.

The people who decide those things got looking it over, and with all the little perturbations in the solar system they decided that we didn't need to skip the leap year that year. So all the really smart people were wrong. And all the software they wrote leaving out February 29th that year had to be fixed.

So the people who didn't know got it right when the people who had the deeper information were wrong.

You saw that again in 2012. All the really, really smart people figured it all out and applied all their formulas and determined that a President as worthless as Barack Obama could not mathematically win against a candidate as great as Mitt Romney. Their computer models proved it and all the past history proved it . . .

And I disputed it.

The rules changed. Mitt Romney could be smarter than Barack Obama. He could be more experienced and more skilled at economics and more familiar with the issues and more capable at solving problems and more experienced and capable at working with congress. But he could not be Barack Obama.

The kind of people who voted for Barack Obama didn't do it because of his abilities in any of those areas. They couldn't have. He doesn't have any. The mathematical models showed that someone who had messed up so badly could not win the election, but the rules changed.

I am dumber than all those people running the models are, but they were wrong and I was right.

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Postscript

Like I've said before, it is funny to me how all of these people who with great technical detail had predicted Romney would win, 12 hours later were going into great technical detail about why he didn't win.

Got a little behind on my toons . . .