May 2009

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What to do until the Blog arrives

The Litter-ature novel is here. I update it regularly--every time this gal tackles me and sticks her tongue in my ear.

Chris's Obama Worship Site

LoL Cartoons

Logic Primer

Duke Boys Car Chase


Pipe Intersections

Programmable Calendar

Gymkhana Practice

Compass Course Spreadsheet

Complete Orienteering Course Files

Handy Units Conversion Utility

Things you may not know about Sarah Palin

Amazing Grace on the Sax New!

John Kerry's Magic 8 Ball

Everyone needs a regular routine for printing off the latest column to read over lunch. In the interest of helping you occupy the internet connection your boss provides, here are my suggestions for how to use your time until the lazy writer of this darn blog posts something.

Daily News
Of course, every day you need to read the news. I recommend The Nose on Your Face, news so fake you'd swear it came from the Mainstream Media. HT to Sid for the link.

Monday: Michelle Malkin
Michelle Malkin is a great conservative bastion and very smart lady. You loved her book "Unhinged" and you can read her columns here. Or you can use Monday to catch up on Dilbert.

Tuesday: Dave Barry's Column
Dave Barry is often imitated but never duplicated (and believe me, I've tried). If you want something more political for Tuesday just go to Jewish World Review to read some good stuff.

Wednesday: Daryl Cagle's Index of Political Cartoons
About half of these cartoonists are liberal (Latin for wrong) but the art is usually good. (Fantastic, if you're used to the quality of art on this site.)
Or you can read George Will's columns for someone who's both talented and intelligent.

Thursday: Ann Coulter
Ann posts her new column every Thursday. You'll find that there are two sides to every issue: Ann's side and the wrong side. You can also browse Ann's past columns (saves you the price of her new book).

Friday: Charles Krauthammer
Krauthammer posts every Friday. Just a good, smart conservative columnist. If you want someone who gets it just as right, but is easier to read, try Thomas Sowell. He just posts at random times.

Then there's always World Net Daily,, The Drudge Report,, News Busters, Jewish World Review ,(lots of great columnists), or National Review Online.

For something a little lighter there's The Onion. (For the benefit of you Obama Supporters, it's a spoof.)

If you'd like you can study The Constitution while you wait. Or you can go to radio show sites like Laura Ingraham's or Glenn Beck's or Rush Limbaugh's.

Or just follow the links above and below this section (you can't have read all my archived articles already). If you have read all my articles (you need to get out more) go to my I'm Not Falling For It section.

Above all, try to stay calm. Eventually I may post something again.

Select a Blog Tone

One of these times

An old farmer decides to find out what all the fuss is about these picture shows he keeps hearing about. He goes into the theater and sits through the previews and opening credits without much interest. Then a group of beautiful young girls come on screen, crossing a set of railroad tracks to a swimming hole. The farmer perks ups an pays attention as they begin to disrobe, but just then a train comes along, blocking the view of the audience. The farmer is moving his head back and forth trying to get a glimpse of the bare ladies. By the time the train has passed, the girls are in the water with nothing visible but their heads.

The farmer sits through a second showing of the movie, then a third. As the movie is about to begin again he is the only one in the theater. The usher approaches him and says "Excuse me, sir, isn't it about time for you to be going home?"

The farmer says, "I reckon I'll stay a mite longer. That train's bound to be late one of these times."

This old farmer is no more clueless than everybody you listen to on the radio. Sotomayor is going to be confirmed. All the Republicans, including the ones who are saying "We'll have to take a close look in the confirmation hearings" are going to vote for her.

They always do.

Republicans always—always—confirm Supreme Court nominees, no matter how awful they are. They figure a president has a right to appoint who he wants. Democrats are the ones that shoot down nominees.

Honestly, have you not seen this movie a hundred times?

The demorats are saying that anyone who is opposed to the liberal activist Sotomayor is a racist and a misogynist. These are the same people who tried to sink (black man) Clarence Thomas and did sink Miguel Estrada (Latino), not to mention the most (in)famous, Judge Bork, along with a host of others.

And if you are surprised that any candidate, no matter how qualified, was automatically disqualified by Obama if they weren't a minority woman with "empathy" (translation: leftist views and beliefs that her own biases are more important than the law) you should find another theater.

The Do-it-yourself Blog
You've been here enough you know my style and you know my views. It seem kind of redundant for me to go to all the trouble of typing them all out, don't you think?

Well, here's where I demonstrate the brilliance you worship me for. Behold, may latest innovention: the do-it-yourself blog.

You (not me) take the Sotomayor saga and translate it to an empathetic referee who never calls fouls on the smaller guys or allows whites, being minorities, to spend more time in the three second zone because he knows what it's like to be picked on and have to play against those evil old Lakers.

What a great timesaver that was . . .

A close personal friend of mine used to suffer from back problems. Back in the early nineties he injured his back in a snowmobile accident (he accidentally tried to move an (extremely heavy) snowmobile by himself on dry ground). Because of the pinched nerves in his back, my close personal friend would get headaches that would kill an ordinary mortal. To relieve these headaches he would often soak in a hot bath.

The hot bath didn't really relieve the headaches, but think how bad they would have been if he hadn't taken that measure.

Finally my close personal friend, who is smarter than the average bear, figured out that baths were putting pressure on his spine and exacerbating the headaches.

If you're new to, welcome. If you're not, you know that I'm not talking about pinched nerves. I'm talking about socialists like Obama and FDR.

FDR is credited with helping America survive the Great Depression. That's probably merited. But an Adam Smith would have made America thrive instead of survive. FDR took a depression and turned it into a Great Depression. But everyone was too scared to abandon the very measures that were keeping their headaches going. "As bad as it is now, think how bad it could be without all the government intervention!"

I'm no economist (one thing I have in common with the President of the United States), which is why I have a hard time understanding how giving my money to Obama's cronies at ACORN and the unions is going to get us out of this financial crisis.

It's not. It's a drug. Your life is a shambles because you drink but you depend on the drink because your life is such a shambles. Obama is a narcotic. He's a dangerous narcotic.

Here's another place you see this. The little town where I grew up had one store, a kind of general store on the corner as you come in to town. That's where you got penny candy (this is not a typo), gasoline, and overpriced groceries when you didn't have time to run in to town. It was the precursor to the convenience store with an old fashioned charm and without mold-covered hot dogs.

On the counter by the big old cash register was a sharp wire spike that Joe Nielson would put receipts on. Under the counter was a ledger where he penciled in transactions.

Today we have computers that do that job. Think how much more productive our lives are now. Instead of writing things in ledgers today we are chasing down viruses, trying to figure out why iBank sometimes connects to our bank account and sometimes not, trying to remember which password we use for which service, manually entering information that the bank has that you've already typed in before that formatted wrong when someone else cut and pasted over it, restoring months worth of entries that got deleted when your computer crashed, and trying to convince the wife that you really can't see the computer over the phone and you have no idea why her banking program isn't working and you don't know what she means when she asks "Why won't the button do that thing when I click when the screen I had before was up and the other thing said that it would?"

How awful would that be to have your finances all written down in a ledger book?

Cheney's Speech
You really need to re-read this speech. Print it off. Shoot, you should just commit it to memory like you did the Gettysburg Address.

I printed it off and started highlighting just the great parts. When I finished it looked like I spray painted the whole darn thing yellow.

If you're the kind that uses iBank instead of a spreadsheet, at least watch it.

How you react to this speech is a litmus test. It's pretty simple, you either turn red or blue.

Here's my color: Obama has proven that he is absolutely incapable of running a nation. His expertise is limited to milling around on campus wearing his tie-dyed T-shirt with the peace sign, smoking weed, and waving cardboard signs about how evil the government is.

Obama should stick to that and leave the governing to real men in the model of Dick Cheney.

Engineers are about efficiency. Find a metric for what you put into the system and one for what comes out, turn it into a ratio, there's your efficiency (real engineers don't have to say "multiply by 100%. Real engineers see .68 and think 68%.).

Now, for something completely different.

In The Untouchables Sean Connery, the cop, is harassing some private citizen for something. Citizen says "Don't you have anything better to do?"

Sean Connery says, "Yes, I do, but I'm not doing any of those things right now."

Now to tie them together.

What keeps our friend Radio alive is that you can listen to it while doing something else. Take me, for example, I'm driving to work, I'm listening to the radio. It's a parallel process. If it were a serial process you'd not tolerate the inefficiency.

I've flapped my gums about this before. Even while driving I cannot tolerate this:

(Dramatic music) KSL News Radio. AM 1160 or 102.7 on your FM dial. (More music) KSL, AM or FM, in Salt Lake, Ogden, Provo (more music)

And Draper.

Your source for (ba-da-bam!) . . .

News. (ba-da bam!)

Talk. (ba-da bam!)

Sports (ba-da bam!)

Your news is sponsored by The Salt Lake City Chamber of Commerce (30 second blurb)

(music, then ba-da bam!)

And your Bountiful Ford dealers (30 second blurb about why you should buy your next car at your Bountiful Ford dealers)

(music, then ba-da bam!)

Some of the stories we're following today: (ba-da-bam!)

What caused the owner of a local pizza dealership to install security cameras.(music, then ba-da bam!)

Was the driver of the car that killed a woman in Roy suicidal? (music, then ba-da bam!)

Will you be paying higher prices at the pump? (music, then ba-da bam!)

And what's in store for your weekend weather. (music, then ba-da bam!)


It's five freaking minutes past the top of the hour, and you still haven't heard a lick of news.

(You read this in 30 seconds. If you had to sit through a linear production of it in real time you would have tuned out . . . like I do.)

That's why I appreciated Laura's guest host today. Between the time I pulled into the parking lot and the time I turned off the car I got all of this:

The CIA has decades of experience and unlimited resources dedicated to getting the goods on people. Nancy Pelosi, or Pe-Lousy, as Rusty Humphries aptly calls her, still hasn't figured that out. How stupid do you have to be to mess with the CIA?

Then a caller talked about how LBJ knew he'd lost America when he lost Cronkite. The caller figured that the reason Pe-lousy was such a basket case in her latest telling of the lies surrounding her waterboarding debacle is because she got the word from the democrat leadership. Her deer-in-the-headlights fear was consistent with someone who's just been told "We wish you the best, hope you can work this out," by the people she figured were going to make this whole problem go away.

Then the guest host pointed out what a perfect opportunity this is for demorats to prove they are not just rabid partisans. If they ever wanted to demonstrate that they really did have a modicum of concern about the nation, and not just in keeping power for themselves, this is their best chance. They could tell America that they can't tolerate corruption like this, even coming from one of their own.

An opportunity, I will add, that they will surely pass up. To do any different would be to send the Universe spinning off its axis.

All that it about two minutes. It would have taken Hannity an hour to get that much substance out there.

And what a great point it is. In the course of coaching the kids about how to bash Obama I've been careful to point out that credibility is a premium. If you can't find anything good to say about the man it's easy for your opponent to paint you as close-minded. It's as easy as it is for me to demonstrate that Obama supporters are irrational robots because they will not acknowledge that he is capable of any human error, much less the mob-style corruption that defines him.

In Obama's case it's a real challenge. Stating the facts makes you sound like a lunatic. "Did you know he won the Illinois senate race because he eliminated all four opponents off the ballot?" Sure he did. Take another hit on your bong while I sneak away, you freaking nut-job.

In a related story: Read "The Case Against Barack Obama," by David Freddoso. Just do it.

Oh, and Leon Panetta is running the CIA now. Demorats, like that lying sack of crap Pelosi, never pay any political price for their chicanery. None.

The day that happens you'll see the girls stripping down for the swimming hole.

Observing History
You weren't there for Patrick Henry's speech. Halley's Comet is not coming back in your lifetime. You were watching live when Dale Earnhardt wrecked for the last time, but that's kinda' creepy.

Never fear. In your lifetime you had Dick Cheney's speech.

. . . we hear from some quarters nothing but feigned outrage based on a false narrative. In my long experience in Washington, few matters have inspired so much contrived indignation and phony moralizing as the interrogation methods applied to a few captured terrorists.
I love that Cheney calls out these phonies.
I might add that people who consistently distort the truth in this way are in no position to lecture anyone about "values."
This is a direct response to Obama's self-righteous references to historical documents that we hold sacred and he cares nothing about. I need to add that this was done in a speech given before Cheney's speech, because in two days nobody will remember that Obama gave another self-serving campaign speech on the same day that Cheney delivered his historic National Security address.
Intelligence officers of the United States were not trying to rough up some terrorists simply to avenge the dead of 9/11. We know the difference in this country between justice and vengeance. Intelligence officers were not trying to get terrorists to confess to past killings; they were trying to prevent future killings. From the beginning of the program, there was only one focused and all-important purpose. We sought, and we in fact obtained, specific information on terrorist plans.
And I love that Cheney calls out Obama on his tinhorn political trick.
By presidential decision, last month we saw the selective release of documents relating to enhanced interrogations. This is held up as a bold exercise in open government, honoring the public's right to know. We're informed, as well, that there was much agonizing over this decision.

Yet somehow, when the soul-searching was done and the veil was lifted on the policies of the Bush administration, the public was given less than half the truth. The released memos were carefully redacted to leave out references to what our government learned through the methods in question. Other memos, laying out specific terrorist plots that were averted, apparently were not even considered for release. For reasons the administration has yet to explain, they believe the public has a right to know the method of the questions, but not the content of the answers.

What a fantastic contrast. You have a real American statesman, on the order of John Adams or Patrick Henry. Compare that to a community organizer with Chicago mob instincts who's in way over his head. Honestly, Obama is incapable of giving a historic speech on the level of the one Cheney delivered. All the TelePrompTers in the world can't make up his deficit—he just doesn't care that much about America.

You really need to read or watch this speech.

And as to the recruiting myth that Cheney talks about, one of the best rebuttals to that I heard yesterday on The Rush Limbaugh Show.

Rush got an e-mail from Andy McCarthy, who, unlike Barack Paris O'Lohan, actually knows something about terrorists.

This drives me nuts. Obama, Durbin, Powell, the titular head of the Republican Party, McCain, a bunch of people who know zero about radical Islam, all say that Gitmo and Abu Ghraib and waterboarding and fill-in-the-blank has become an Al-Qaeda recruiting tool. This is something I know about, Rush. I prosecuted terrorists. I've interviewed them. I've infiltrated informants into terrorist networks.

The biggest recruiting tool for terrorists is successful terrorist attacks. What draws those on the fence to the movement is the belief that it can and will win. When Osama and the blind sheik recruit, their pitch is that the US is the weak horse. If you make things bloody enough for us, we'll give up.

Obamaman Can

Who can take tomorrow, spend it all today?
Wrap it all in hope and give it all away?
Obamaman can . . .
Da-dah da-da-da-dah . . . .

No Abe Lincoln

Medieval Cures
I was watching "John Adams" this weekend. He's in Europe, sick nearly to death, what do they do? Bloodletting.

What the . . . ? Let me get this straight. The guy is weak and you remove his life fluid? Well, I know I always feel better after I've bled awhile.

Then it occurred to me. It's a metaphor.

The judges would have also accepted these wordings for the text balloon:

You don't have anything a little bloodletting won't fix.

My philosophy is to try bloodletting first.

If this doesn't work I don't know what else to try.

I can't see any reason this wouldn't cure you.

I don't know why they don't use bloodletting anymore.

The only reason bloodletting hasn't worked in the past is because it wasn't implemented correctly.

Once we get rid of this extra blood you'll feel better in no time.

All my training and background tells me this is the right thing to do.

I've never seen this done before, but in theory it should work.

Trust me, I've read a lot of articles about this.

I had a professor in college that swore by this technique

I know this is counter-intuitive, you have to be as educated as I am to understand it.

If this makes you feel worse we'll just have to try it again.

As long as more comes out we'll keep doing this.

Debunked? Hah! It's been a standard practices for centuries.

I'll come back later for some more.

Success rate? Don't worry about that, just trust me.

This is the way they do it in Cuba.

A Little Music
I don't usually like to promote celebrities, but I guess it's my duty as an American to pass along this song about Obama.

A Prediction
Within the next 30 days this is what's going to happen.
A staffer will poke his head in the Oval Office. "Mr. President, your 10:30 is here. A Robert Gibbs?"

Obama refers to a 3x5 card, reads to himself for a moment, then says "Good. Show him in."

As Gibbs walks in Obama stands, comes around the desk and offers his hand. "Good morning, Roger."

"It's, uh, it's Robert, sir."

"Of course. Of course it is, Robert, have a seat . . . oh, not there, you can, uh, that seat blocks the TelePrompTer screen."

Robert Gibbs sits down in front of the president's desk.

"How have you been, Robert?"

"Good, Mr. President, good, thank you."

"Good, that's good. And how is your lovely wife," Obama shifts his head to view the other screen "uh, Bernadine?"

"She's good, too. Uh, thanks."

"Uh huh. Glad to hear that." Obama's head swivels again. "And your daughters Madison and Courtney, ages 7 and 10? How are they?"

"They are fine, sir. Everyone is fine." Gibbs shifts in his chair slightly.

"Good. Good. Look, Ro- uh, Robert, the reason I called you in is because I think you have a wonderful family. I think you need to spend more time with your family."

Gibbs looks confused. "Well, actually, sir, I drop the kids off at school on my way in to work and, uh, really, actually after the morning briefing there's really not much for me to do around here. Honestly, I'm actually home an hour or two before they get home from school . . . uh . . . sir."

"Uh huh." Obama stares down Gibbs for a good five count. "All the same, I think you'll agree that it's very important to spend time with your family. You do agree, don't you?

"I . . . uh, of course I do, sir."

"So, if you were to submit your resignation, I would understand."

"But sir," Gibbs gasps, "I love my job! My family's fine. I don't want to quit."

There's a knock on the door. Another staffer pokes her head in. "Mr. President, your next appointment is here."

"Right." Obama holds up one finger. "I'll be done in a minute."

"Sir, if you could . . ." Gibbs stammers. "I will . . . I'll try . . . I promise I will . . . "

Obama cuts him off. "I would regretfully accept your resignation. I would reluctantly accept it. But I would accept it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Gibbs just sits there.

"Because a man needs to spend time with his family."

"My family's fine," Gibbs croaks weakly.

"Because it would be an awful shame if something were to happen to your family that lives at 2147 Parkwood Lane in Georgetown."

Gibbs just stares at Obama with his mouth open.

"An awful shame," Obama reiterates.

Obama stands up. He extends his hand to Gibbs. "Good day, Mr. Gibbs. Tomorrow morning would be just fine."

Still grasping Gibbs's hand Obama puts his other hand in the middle of Gibbs's back and guides him toward the door.

Take it to the bank. That scenario is going to play out sooner rather than later.

Jejune Responses
I had a scout in my patrol who was . . let's just say he was difficult. This scout, who I'll call John, just to hang some moniker on him, you know, lived in a medium-sized house in our town. One day during the patrol meeting, out of the blue, John blurted out "Dude, my house is so freakin' big. Dude, I swear, it's the biggest house in town." The other scouts, who were familiar with John's house, started to laugh, logically assuming he was making some kind of joke.

John got mad. "Nuh-huh! Wanna' bet?!"

Another scout said "What are you talking about? Your house isn't that big."

"Nuh-huh! Wanna' bet?" John said. "Dude, I'll freakin' bet choo!"

John was eleven years old.

When you're eleven that sort of exchange is silly and somewhat expected, depending on the total number of hours a particular eleven year old has logged playing video games.

When you're the White House press liaison it borders on scary.

Robert Gibbs has adopted the John approach, telling reporters during the morning press briefing "Nuh-huh! Dude, I'll freakin' betchoo, if we ask . . . if right now, if we go on the street and ask anyone, Dude, I'll freakin' betchoo, they'll say 100 million dollars is a lot of money."

The most charitable way I've heard it put is that Gibbs "struggles." The man has an IQ of about 85. You'd think he'd be a perfect fit, given the incompetence of this administration. But he's an embarrassment to a White House that doesn't need any more embarrassment.

He's gone. I guarantee you. Sooner rather than later, he's gone. Dude, I'll freakin' betchoo.

How to Fail a Breathalyzer

Fantasy Fiction Review: James "Stephen King" Carville
There was a time when popular fiction was about regular people that just didn't happen to exist. The characters in Pride and Prejudice, for example, could very well have been real people, they just weren't. That's why it was fiction.

The current market for fiction tends more to fantasy—dragons and teenage witches and wizards. Today's successful fiction takes you to fantasy worlds that not only don't exist, but can't possibly exist. They stretch your mind into imagining things that are not possible within the bounds of the universe that we know.

Today we are going to review just such a work of fantasy, James Carville's "40 More Years: How the Democrats Will Rule the Next Generation."

Some fantasies take a little time laying down the rules—they might take a chapter or two before you get your bearings. I give kudos to Carville for immediately orienting us in his fantasy world, right in his third paragraph.

When future historians begin to examine the absolutely disastrous events during the term of President Bush, from massive incompetence to blatant falsehoods and the trampling of the Constitution to the savaging of the good name of the United States around the world . . .
Then, just to dispel any lingering doubts you might have about whether this is a fantasy/comedy, Carville says " . . . the stealing of the election of 2000 in Florida . . ."

Normally, whenever you see or hear any variation of the words "stealing the 2000 election in Florida" you should back slowly away, make no sudden movements, and wait for the authorities to arrive. But since Carville has already made clear the genre you are reading, you settle into your easy chair and prepare for a hilarious adventure.

Carville does not disappoint.

He reveals to us that this is going to be one of those intriguing conspiracy fictions, talking about a "secret memo" that no one has ever seen. Of course there's no evidence! If there were evidence it wouldn't be a successful conspiracy, would it?

The exact content and evidence he used is largely unknown. I certainly don't know what exactly was in it, and I don't know of anyone who'd let me borrow a copy as I was writing this book.
Even if you don't have the privilege that I enjoy of working with a conspiracy . . . uh . . . enthusiast, phrases like "Have you heard what so'n'so is planning?" are guaranteed to entertain. This masterful move by Carville is a sure-fire way to engage the reader, who hearkens back to those amusing memories of John Kerry and "Bush has a secret plan to re-instate the draft!" or "I heard Bush is planning an October surprise!"

Then Carville gives us some more "information,"

"courtesy of my friend Terry McAuliffe, who's done exhaustive, and, I might add, unchallenged research on the subject of Republican falsehoods."
Once you've re recovered from the pee in your pants helpless pile on the floor howling with laughter attack that the words "Terry McAuliffe" brought on, you realize that "unchallenged" in this work of fantasy means "tra-la-la-la-lah I can't hear you tra-la-la-la-lah my fingers are in my ears na-nah na-nah nah!"

You wipe your eyes and continue reading.

"When the Bush administration was first moving into the White House, doing whatever it is Republicans do to feel at home . . ."
Now we are getting into some of the meat of the fantasy. We are learning about the creatures that make up this fanciful world. They aren't real humans, you see. They don't have the same feelings and mannerisms and customs and toilet habits as real humans . . . people who look and sound like Carville, I suppose.

This masterful foreshadowing makes you look forward to the point in the book where you're introduced to the dead chicken rituals and pentastars in rings of salt and candelabras surrounding portraits of Ronald Reagan—those things that make these Republican creatures feel at home. All of it, of course, on a complex system of pulleys and trolleys that can be whisked it out of sight at the first hint of a democrat approaching. The very fact that no one's ever seen it is the proof that it exists!

The fanciful tale continues

". . . someone decided the staff would claim that the "Clinton people" trashed the White House. Although I'm not prepared to name a suspect at this point in time, might venture a general guess that the suspect's initials are Karl Rove."
As an aside, I know your Freshman English teacher flunked you for including the words "at this point in time" in an essay. That is why it's a sign of success in the fiction world when a writer is allowed such affronts to the language in a finished work.

I applaud Carville for his weaving of the bizarre into a predictable pattern that we can slip comfortably into. We now have the villain. We are engaged. We are anxious to forge ahead and find out: What kind of heinous evils is this Karl Rove monster capable of?

This is a great technique for any writer of fiction to remember. You're reading fantasy to escape reality. You don't want to have to unravel the complexities of the universe. It's important that an author fold all evil into one horrible archetypal character who is manning the controls of all villainy in the story.

As with any good fiction, this work takes reality and twists it in creative ways to make it fresh and more interesting. Carville's conspiracy has shadows of true events that really happened—the historical fact that Clinton staffers trashed the White House on the way out. How clever that he was able to springboard off of actual events, creating a photographic negative that is more artful than the dry, historical facts. "Torn from yesterday's headlines," you might say. You are left eagerly anticipating the printing of Carville's next book, detailing Terry McAuliffe's extensive and unchallenged research on the holocaust hoax.

And, in keeping with fiction that aspires to become a classic, the events can be interpreted on a variety of levels. The fantasy events themselves are entertaining enough, but readers on a higher plane of awareness can let their brains wander into the irony underlying the story. The fantasy that Carville weaves, blasting Bush for not delivering on his promise to be "a uniter, not a divider," is only possible because Bush did make good on his promise to "change the tone in Washington." By letting the incident slide, in the spirit of tolerance and cooperation, Bush prevented the tacky crime from becoming a matter of public record.

Rich literary irony.

Now Carville's leads us through a world rich with fanciful imaginings.

"How did they get away with this?" It's the question I've been asked most frequently during the Bush era. It has many variations. I hear it every time I give a speech, of course, but also at the grocery store and in line at the movie theater. I can't even go into a men's bathroom without getting asked. People want to know, "Why did the American public let this happen?" "Why didn't the press do something?" And, of course, "Where were the Democrats?"
Hilarious. Simply hysterical. I applaud the rich, if somewhat disturbing, comical imagery of guys constantly walking up to him with a burning question while he's taking a whizz. Oh, this is a page-turner. Side-splitting inventions on every page. It's not as good as when Clinton tried to convince us we had to socialize health care because some poor fellow in an airport grasped his hand and begged him to do it. But it does have that same flavor, Carville having been on the team that pioneered the technique—whether as master or student we don't know.

Then Carville artfully writes:

These pained and anguished cries . . .
That's the beauty of fiction. Lines that would sound ludicrous in a serious work are completely acceptable in a world of flying dragons and magical house gnomes and Karl Rove monsters.

But our fearless author has an answer for it all. He's figured it out. And whenever 'Joe' or the Lizard Man figure something out, you know it's going to be entertaining.

Now at last I have a good answer: They didn't get away with it. They've been caught red-handed, and the public has the whole thing figured out.

That's why on November 4, 2008, a majority of Americans, including those in Bush strongholds, elected Barack Obama president of the United States of America.

Beautiful. Just beautiful. Willingly suspend your disbelief. Just relinquish your understanding of why Obama won the election.

Just play along; enjoy the fantasy. You know what, Jimmy Boy? You're right. You caught us. Doggone it, you're just too smart for us. You and Janeane Garofalo, you figured it all out.

Allow yourself to slip into that grossly simplified fantasy world where you can enjoy the liberating feeling of having it all figured out. Shed the real life responsibility of researching real facts or getting into any uncomfortable examination of your core beliefs.

See how much fun that is?

Of course, the good news is the democrats will not rule the next generation. As scary as well-written fiction can be, a '58 Plymouth Fury is not going to come alive and try to kill you, and the democrats are not going to rule the next generation.

A Public Service Message

Because I care about your education
You know the deal. I've wagged my tongue about this countless times. Mrs. Bailey, bless her heart, told me in the third grade that she had read that you weren't supposed to start a sentence with "and" or "but." She didn't tell me not to do it. She told me that she read that it wasn't good practice.

That's true, and for years I followed that rule. But as it turns out it's "more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules."

So I sometimes start my sentences with "and" or "but." I sometimes do it because it's convenient and sometimes I do it for the same reason I refuse to let liberals tell me what I can say about Obama–because it baits people who want to believe something about me that's not true.

But I often start my sentences with "because."

Then someone I work with got the vapors because I started a sentence in a report with "because." I never knew I had been violating any rules.

Well—and this is not the point of this post, but it's moving in that direction—I was writing a technical paper and needed to start a sentence with because. As it turns out, you need to do that a lot in technical papers because it puts the emphasis on the reason for the solution.

So I asked my Uncle Google. As it turns out, yes, Virginia, you can start a sentence with "because."

But I wanted to make sure and so I went to this site.

I immediately began screaming with laughter. This site, which I had gone to as an expert source for proper grammar, had this execrable sentence: "The reason why teachers perpetuate this "white lie" is because . . . "

Ouch! Doesn't that just hurt your ears?

Whenever intelligent people say "the reason why" I really wonder, don't they realize the way how that sounds?

Hold on, Arlen! I'm right behind you!
Listen, I'm only human. I have a limit. I am jumping ship. I am tired of the hatemongering coming from the right.

I'm speaking, of course, of Miss California's vitriol-filled, hateful, intolerant, disgusting answer when she was asked what she thought about gay marriage.

Well I think its great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage.
That intolerant, hateful . . . I can't even think of the words. 'Joe' was right. The left really does have a monopoly on tolerance.

Oh, but it gets worse. Much worse.

And you know what, in my country . . . in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be between a man and a woman. Thank you very much.
Can you believe she said "in my country"? That hatemonger! And that's not just stumbling for the words because she was nervous. That's intentional. She meant to say it, 'cause she's every bit as fluent and eloquent as spokespeople like Michelle Obama describing how she's ashamed to be American, and that esteemed historical scholar Joe Biden talking about how FDR went on television (while Hoover was still president).

Thank God for people like Perez Hilton, the obscure gay homeless guy who blogs from his mom's basement, who has the courage to call her a "Stupid b---" and the c-word and to point out that her answer was the worst in pageant history.

I'm also grateful for his explaining that the sounds you hear in the audience after her answer were everybody booing her (for the first time in history, also).

That cleared up a lot of things for me, 'cause I'll be watching the Jazz play an away game and when the bad guys score points against the Jazz the crowd makes these noises that sounds like cheering, just like they did after Miss California's answer. It all makes sense now. That's what booing sounds like. As enthusiastic as that booing was I can't believe she made it out of the theater alive!

Now that she is "engaged in an anti-gay campaign" the media has courageously stepped forward to protect us from this unspeakable horror.

And you'll never believe what they uncovered in their selfless crusade to bring down the bikini-clad enemies of civilization! They are saying now that she has . . . prepare yourself—no seriously, I'm warning you, this is almost as bad as Joe the plumber's first name being Samuel—she has (and I can't believe this is legal in America) . . . go to the next paragraph if you think you can take it.

She has . . . they're saying . . . it's . . . she . . . this bikini contest participant has breast implants. Hey, I warned you.

I say we waterboard her.

So that's it. I can't take the intolerance any longer. I'm worn out from the name calling. I'm sick of those horrible intolerant people spouting their opinion whenever someone sticks a microphone in their face and directly asks them. I'm sick of the hateful personal attacks about irrelevant things. And I can't take it that conservatives are running around with breast implants!

I'm becoming a democrat so I can participate in the liberating feeling of having tolerance and acceptance of all viewpoints.

Wait, just one thing. As a liberal Y chromosome owner do I have to take on a fairy name like "Perez Hilton?" Just checking.

Oh, that's just Joe
Everyone's boss says some silly things sometimes. As hard as it is to believe, even my boss does.

But he doesn't say them on national television.

Can you imagine working for Joe Biden? Every morning you have to go in and figure out how you're going to put out the fire from the stupid things your boss blabbed yesterday. Diarrhea of the mouth combined with atrophy of the brain.

In his monologue last night Leno said "Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks."

Craig Ferguson said something about we're supposed to wash our hands, Biden should wash his foot before he puts it in his mouth. Leno echoed the sentiment, saying something like "Joe Biden doesn't have Swine Flu, but he's got foot in mouth disease."

Of course, to comply with the federal Perpetuation of Myths statute of 2001 Leno had to say "We don't have George Bush any more, but God gave us Joe Biden."

Yeah, right. Have you ever hear Bush talk about FDR going on TV (when Hoover was president)? Gimme a break. Give me a call when Bush gets as incoherent as this? Honestly.

Anyway . . .

Here's the danger. So much crap comes out of Biden's mouth that you dismiss everything he says. So if he were to say something intelligent—no, no, stay with me here—if that ever did happen, you'd miss it.

Like when he said that he wasn't buying Obama's crap about shutting the barn door after the horse was already gone. Completely eclipsed by his other incoherent rambling.

Of course, it's a question of productivity. If you sift through a landfill long enough you're certain to find something useful. But is that the most efficient way to get useful stuff?


Uncomfortable Situations
It's the moment every father dreads.

Your daughter comes to you, needing to talk, but not really wanting to. She finally manages to get the words out. At first you're stunned. You don't know what to say. You finally manage to croak out "So you're sure your friend is an Obama supporter?"

My daughter wanted to know "What do I tell her, Dad? Like when she says what's so bad about Obama? What do I say?"

As a father I had gone through these nightmare scenarios in my mind. I had the answer ready. "First of all, you have to remember about Burden of Proof. You put it right back on her. Say: 'I'm listening. What do you like so much about Obama?' Don't feel like you have to justify yourself when she's unable to provide you with any detail."

And that's the way you handle it.

I hate nothing more than the way mindless liberals hate Bush without knowing why. I know why—it's because they've been told to. The same reason they love Obama. I understand it, even if they don't. Press them for the slightest detail and they'll freak out and start calling you names.

Although providing the liberal with detail is a futile exercise—she's never going to say "Oh, I didn't know that fact. You are right and I was wrong"—I didn't want my daughter to be guilty of the same thing that I hate about liberals. So I started working on a list of my beefs about Obama.

As soon as it's more complete (it will never be done) I'll post it for your edification. But I had to share this part with you. I've compiled a long list of specific things he's said and done, but honestly it's his underlying philosophy that I object to. So I added some of that. And if I'm honest with myself I have to acknowledge that the slobbering love affair Goldberg talks about that the media have with him is a huge turn off for me.

So I went looking for a representative link that illustrated the concept—if you have to sell me so hard on it, I don't want it (Heartbreak ridge: "You don't have to grease him so hard, Jarhead."). I was looking for the sickening article, written after the 100 day self-massage press conference, that I'd heard quotes from.

In the course of that search I came across an article called "Five ways to talk like Obama."

Oh, this has got to be great. This is going to be hilarious, talking about saying "uh" seven times per sentence, stuttering, saying "look" a lot and doing the odd upward inflection thing. Oh, this is going to be a classic. What I found instead was disgusting slobbering. Holy crap! This guy was serious. This was an informational article about how to mimic the flawless, masterful style of this guy—nay, god—who is the ultimate model of how to speak.

Seriously, get a room! Yuck.

One of the points was "Learn to Pause." Seriously. Here's what he said. "Obama has mastered the art of pausing . . . He pauses to let us catch up with him." I swear I am not making this up.

I saw an interview with Jimmy Stewart once where he talked about his trademark stutter. He said something about how he got nervous and couldn't remember his line and stammered a little. The director loved it and he incorporated it into his whole lovable persona.

Clue: If you honestly believe Obama pauses to let us catch up and not because he doesn't know what to say, please don't forget your protection.

Danger Will Robinson
The Swine Flu is a scary disease. But fortunately it's not a smart disease. Smart diseases make themselves seem attractive.

Let me 'splain. Go to the right streets in any big city after dark and you will find ladies of the evening hawking their wares. If you purchase what these "ladies" are selling, you will get a disease. But it's still a thriving industry.

That's a smart disease.

In order to really thrive a disease has to have some irresistible allure.

Enter Barack Obama.

George Clooney wishes he were as cool and handsome as BO and had such a great voice. If he looked and sounded like Ahmad de nut-job Obama wouldn't be dangerous at all.

But the dangerous disease I'm particularly talking about this time is not his personal allure, it's the allure of an ideology that BO has.

As you know, David Souter is retiring from the Supreme Court. If you wondered what kind of Justice BO is going to appoint, he's willing to tell you.

We need somebody who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom. The empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor, or African-American, or gay, or disabled, or old. And that’s the criteria by which I’m going to be selecting my judges.
Aw, isn't that sweet?

Yeah, it's sweet. Just like the anti-freeze that the dog laps up just before it kills him. That's a smart disease. That's a disease with an allure powerful enough to make a man spend an hour with a hooker even after years of his mom telling him "You don't know where that thing's been!"

Obama's ideology is a disease. It's stupid and it's misguided and it's scary. But it has an irresistible allure to people who let something other than their brain do their thinking.

Now, the right way to look at a Supreme Court Justice job is the way that Chief Justice Roberts looked at it when asked if he was going to be on the side of the "little guy."

If the Constitution says that the little guy should win, the little guy is going to win. But if the Constitution says that the big guy should win, well, then, the big guy is going to win, because my obligation is to the Constitution. That's the oath. The oath that a judge takes is not that I will look out for particular interests. The oath is to uphold the Constitution and the laws of the United States.

Incoherent Ramblings
As a public service I'll post the video here (since you didn't click on the link, did you? Did you? I swear, sometimes I wonder why I even bother . . . )

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