Moon hoax morons can't be as stupid as they seem. I'm not falling for it.

You know, occasionally I have flashes of brilliance that astonish me. It's as though the shades roll up on a window I never knew was there and I'm seeing a new view I've never seen. It was just such a flash of inspiration that convinced me the moon landings were a hoax. I used to believe we landed on the moon. I did. I bought the whole story. But I was listening to a guy who makes a living trying to prove the whole event was a hoax, and it all became clear. In a moment, you'll know the rest of the story.

A guy out there named Bart Sibrel (hereinafter referred to as B.S.) runs around trying to sell a video he's made that questions the authenticity of the moon landings. His "proof" is based on a little bad science, and a lot of bad logic. Here. Let me give you some examples.

B.S. says that he got hold of some unedited raw footage from NASA that was in a mis-named (everybody say "Ooooh!") film canister. Of course, NASA's saying they never gave him the footage would be further proof of a conspiracy. B.S. says the footage shows earth through the window of a spaceship halfway to the moon. He goes through a tortured explanation of how the earth is really a complex template over the window (his explanation is unintelligible, but for a pile of money he'll send you the video). Then, as an absolutely undisputable final proof that the moon landings were faked, he says that someone's arm passes between the camera and the window. Imagine that! You have a camera pointing out a window, and an arm moves between it and the camera. How can you argue with that kind of logic?

As further indisputable proof, he says that he talked to a rocket scientist (unnamed) who says it couldn't have happened. That's a great trick for people who want to prove things that aren't true. You want a scientist? Go grab a guy who read a book by Isaac Asimov once, and we'll swear him in as an expert witness. I've met a lot of people with college degrees, and I'll tell you Baby, there are scientists and then there are scientists. It always helps when you don't give a name, or when the name you come up with is someone no one's ever heard of.

"Any scientist," according to B.S., can grow a synthetic diamond that "no scientist" can distinguish from a natural gem. That's why NASA was able to fake the moon rocks they brought back. Now, I happen to make my living growing synthetic diamond. Any scientist that can't differentiate between natural and synthetic diamond is no scientist. B.S. quotes a lot of bad science but the "evidence" he picks is always so easily refutable. For example, he points out that the cameras (which are set to expose highly reflective bright surfaces) showed no stars (which are very dim objects). He depends on how easy Americans are fooled by a little fancy talk (remember that some Americans were fooled into voting for Al Gore). His lack of understanding of the most basic science is truly astonishing. I'd be shocked if this nincompoop had the technical expertise to find the north star without a road map and a team of Russian scientists.

B.S. is big on the Bible. He quotes the Bible to make his point. Like something that says only God can perform miracles, then Nixon (who was an evil man therefore anything he is involved in is sinister) says that "Landing on the moon is a modern miracle." Okay, really. If Nixon saying it's a miracle doesn't prove it was a hoax, I don't know what proof you need. B.S. tries to get astronauts to swear on the Bible they walked on the moon, then when they do he uses that as evidence of just how deep they're into their lie. Can you believe it? These guys haven't even revealed to their wives they lied about walking on the moon. What more proof do you need?

Then there are the people who "supposably" (I'm not kidding. This is a human being who "supposably" is a film maker who uses the word "supposably.") . . . people who "supposably" walked on the moon who don't act like B.S. thinks that someone who walked on the moon should act. Since Neal Armstrong has never taken any money for making speeches, that proves he didn't walk on the moon. On some occasion Neal Armstrong was (in B.S.'s words) "Shaking like a leaf." That's indisputable proof if I've ever seen it. That's a great technique he uses a lot. "If they really did (fill in the blank) they would have (fill in the blank)."

I can use that method to prove that B.S. is not married. If he were married he would accuse his wife of cheating on him because "if she really had been at the hairdresser (like she "supposably" was) she would have parked in the garage not the driveway and taken the garbage to the curb and patted the dog before she came in the house." Then his wife would cave in his skull with a frying pan while he slept. B.S. is still alive. Therefore, he is not married. See how that works?

So, put all that together and I've got it figured out. NASA faked the moon landings. Then, to make absolutely certain that no one found out, they leaked the fact that they faked the moon landings to this B.S. guy. It's an ingenious paradox. Anyone who doubts we went to the moon would listen to this guy who would convince them how ludicrous those doubts are. It's brilliant. By having an absolute moron broadcast your secret from every rooftop, your secret is safe. Or it was.

Until I figured it out.

Now, here comes my advice to NASA, the same standard caveat that I issue to anyone trying to perpetrate a hoax. Subtle. Be subtle. Where NASA stumbled is in just how ridiculous this moron they picked is. I might have never figured it out if they'd have used someone with a modicum of scientific background . . . or even someone who could speak English.

If B.S. were really that stupid, he'd have to have somebody sitting beside him around the clock saying "Breathe in. Okay, now, breathe out. Breathe in. Now breathe out. Okay, now breathe in . . . "

I'm not falling for it.