After a major network aired that bizarre shockumentary on Michael Jackson, his lawyers showed up saying they were going to sue because the program "portrayed Michael Jackson in a bad light." Oh, the wonders of modern media. How in the world were they able to do that with existing technology?

Some people might think that Jackson was offended by the program. Here's a news flash for those people: You have to be aware of what's going on on the planet to be offended.

One of the major benefits of being a high-profile internet journalist is that you get access to lots of great inside information. Not being in that category, I have to suppose that, for example, a high-profile internet journalist might have access to the following transcript which is a conversation between Michael Jackson and his handlers after the show:

Lawyer 1: Mr. Jackson, we are prepared to initiate action against the network in response to their slanderous broadcast. We just wanted to go over some final details with you. We are going to say you were offended by the program.
Mr. Jackson: Have you seen my dolly's new dress?
Lawyer: We believe we have grounds for legal action on the basis of some statements the interviewer made. Which statements in particular offended you?
Mr. Jackson: I was on TV!
Lawyer 1: Yes, Mr. Jackson, I know. Please try to focus. We think we can get us . . . and you, of course, lots of money over this broadcast. Now, in what way were you offended?
Mr. Jackson: Santa Claus has a pee-pee.
Lawyer 2: We can say "Our client is very disturbed."
Lawyer 1: You can say that again.
Lawyer 2: Okay, then. That'll be our statement.