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Tattle Tales
In my second grade class years ago a little girl named Tammy Sue delighted in causing problems between people. Tattle-tale Tammy, as she was called, would find out that Billy liked Denise so she'd tell Denise (who she knew had a crush on Billy) that Billy liked Shari Lynn. That would break Denise's little heart and she'd start to cry, so Tammy Sue would run to Billy and say that Denise said he was a poopy caca. Billy would say that at least he wasn't sucking up to the teacher by staying after class to clean erasers like Denise did. Tammy Sue would promptly report to Denise what Billy said and add that Billy said he saw her eating paste during recess. After a while Denise's brother and Billy would get in a fistfight which really seemed to please Tammy Sue.

I don't know what Tammy Sue got out of all this but she never got tired of doing it. Everybody figured she would grow up to be a harmless gossip, trading juicy tidbits over perm fumes, but she surprised us. She determined to dedicate herself to life-ruining for fun and profit. Tammy Sue went to law school.

Now a woman will come to Tammy Sue (esquire) wanting to get a divorce. Does he beat you? "No, we're just not happy together. We just need someone to file the proper paperwork." It sounds like classic symptoms of mentally cruelty. "Well, now that you mention it, he did get upset when I gave his golf clubs to the thrift store because he came home so annoyed and said he hated that game."

Tammy Sue now runs to her client's husband's lawyer and says how they're going to file for a restraining order and take the bum for everything he now has or will ever hope to have and by the way did you know that she gave his golf clubs to the thrift store? I bet we could really make something out of that.

So Tammy Sue's client's husband's lawyer goes to his client and says it sounds like she had a deliberate conspiracy to try to ruin you and I can't believe she abused your personal property that way and the client says no it was just a mistake and we even laughed about it later, but now that you mention it . . .

Seventeen months later these two people who once were married have spent thousands of dollars learning how to hate each other. The culmination of Tammy Sue's endeavors occurs in that delectable moment when Tammy Sue's client and her ex-husband get in a shouting match in a courtroom and have to be forcibly removed. Then both attorneys drive their new cars to a fancy restaurant where they have caviar and champagne and speculate about the chances of one of their clients trying to kill the other so they can get into some serious legal fees.

Frank Leany

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