Q. Just how vast is the Vast Right-wing Conspiracy?
A. To get an actual number of members of the VRWC you multiply the 49% of the voters that voted for Clinton in '92 by the 49% of the voters that actually turned out (.24) by the number of registered voters. Subtract the number you get from the 265 million citizens in America and the number you have left is the approximate membership of the VRWC. That's too much trouble, though, and not very intuitive. For a better idea of how vast this thing is, just go to your favorite web search engine and type in "+Clinton +scandal." If your computer doesn't crash the resulting deluge of hits will give you a snapshot of how vast Hillary's right-wing conspiracy really is.
Q. How do I become a member of the VRWC?
A. You simply have to pass the test and then go through the initiation ceremony.
Q. I want to be a member of the VRWC but I have heard that these secret societies have bizarre initiation rites. Do I have to pass through some kind of bizarre ceremony to be a member of the VRWC?
A. Absolutely. What kind of secret conspiracy would we be if we didn't have you undergo some type of initiation ritual? Of course we can't tell you what the ritual is until you pass the qualification test, but trust me. The ritual is much less bizarre and degrading than the one the Society of Insipid Legally-accurate Lying Yokels (SILLY) requires. Look at what Monica had to do. And look at the condition that the SILLY's ritual left James Carville in. Hey, he may have been an actual homo sapiens before. Once you pass the test you will be able to participate in the secret ritual.
Q. Are there any dues involved in being a member of the VRWC?
A. No. In fact, being a member of the opposition secret society (SILLY) is much more costly in terms of higher taxes, investigations into endless scandals, legal fees after BJ Clinton hangs you out to dry etc.
Q. How is the VRWC funded?
A. Beats the heck out of me. Does this site look like it's the product of funding?P>
Q. How often does the VRWC meet?
A. The VRWC meets as occasion requires. You will be notified subconsciously via television in the following manner. Tune in to Rivera live. If you get the distinct (albeit queasy) impression that Gerry has a shrine in his home that features photographs of Bill Clinton in the buff that simply means you're tuned to the right channel and that Marcia Clark isn't guest-hosting. If the White House apologist du jour fails to use the words "reprehensible and indefensible" that is a sign that there is an emergency meeting of the VRWC. The VRWC always meets at the stroke of midnight. It's your turn to bring doughnuts to the next meeting, by the way.
Q. I am a democrat but I'd like to be a member of VRWC. Is that possible?
A. Of course. The membership of the VRWC includes many fine people whose names appear on the rolls of the democratic party. Of course, The VRWC is understandably constantly wary of attempts of the opposition to infiltrate. Please understand this and don't misinterpret our caution as unfriendliness. We welcome any and all true believers. Contact Chris Matthews for more information on the "Welcome to the light, my child" wing of the VRWC.
Q. Will I be required to wear funny clothes or solicit money like those guys do in airports?
A. No. Your days of soliciting money from nuns at Buddhist temples are over.
Q. Can I tell my friends that I'm a member of the VRWC?
A. In most cases it won't be necessary; anybody that's on the ball is either already a member or will be able to tell you are a member by that lack of a glazed-over look in your eyes. While this is a top secret hush-hush organization (or was, rather, until that blabbermouth Hillary came along) it's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, it's not like you graduated from law school or something.
Q. I live in Arkansas and would like to become a member of the VRWC. How do I find out where the nearest chapter is that I can attend?
A. Ha ha ha ha . . . try to set up a helpful site to answer questions and some wise guy has to come along and play the comedian.
Q. What are the benefits of being a member of the VRWC?
A. Of course, the main benefit is just the warm and fuzzy feeling that you are right--some of us are further right than others. In addition, you don't have to constantly look for excuses for the president's behavior, you aren't subject to ridicule by people who have to listen to you spout those excuses and you don't have to pretend that Saabs aren't ugly. As a member of the VRWC you will constantly receive hilarious e-mail with Clinton jokes and graphics. You'll get the secret URL for the confidential members-only Drudge Report site that is not the ugliest page on the entire web. In addition, your startup kit also has discount coupons for pizza, video, skiing, and NRA membership. Don't pay any attention to the free night's stay in the Lincoln bedroom. The printer messed up and put that in and we didn't want to redo the whole batch.
Q. Does the VRWC have a deity that they recognize and worship?
A. Many members of the VRWC are religious and are actually so un-PC as to believe in God. This allows the opposition to characterize them as "Christian Right." Now if being Christian and being right sounds like a good thing to you then I don't have to explain about God. If you consider being called Christian and Right insulting you probably oughta' look for a different secret society somewhere. Ken Starr, G. Gordon Liddy, George Will, Ann Coulter, Bill Bennett and Rush Limbaugh have not been canonized or deified but we pretend to worship them and hang on their every word just because it infuriates the members of SILLY so much.
Q. What is the handbook of the VRWC, the VRWC Bible, so to speak?
A. The VRWC doesn't have an official handbook as any printed material is always subject to falling into the wrong hands. If you have read, understood, and adopted the precepts of " Logic--the Art of Reasoning" by David Hugh Freeman you are certainly a member of the VRWC (anointed or not). We highly recommended the books found in the VRWC Library. Official procedures, rites, secret links and passwords to get members-only discounts on pizza and video rentals are passed by secret code and word of mouth. The only written copy of those documents is in the U.S. Constitution where it is forever safe from ever being seen by the eyes of the opposition.
Q. Is there a chance that I could be brainwashed into becoming a member of the VRWC without my consent or approval?
A. No. There is no chance at all. If you don't believe me focus very carefully on this spot -[*]- while repeating aloud the words "sin is bad, morality is good; presidents should neither boff young interns nor lie about it." You are getting very sleepy; very, very sleepy. When you awake you will have the inexplicable inability to hold two opposing and contradictory ideas in your brain simultaneously and you will realize you cannot be brainwashed. You cannot be brainwashed . . . . you cannot be brainwashed . . . you cannot . . . .
Q. Do you have a policy of kidnaping children and attempting to brainwash them into joining your cult?
A. First of all, this is a conspiracy, not a cult. Second, we do not kidnap children as that would require feeding and caring for the little tots--hey, we may be vast, but we do have a limited budget. We prefer to brainwash them through their parents. That is why the VRWC by and large opposes parents sending their children to pre-schools and daycare centers instead of keeping them at home and raising them themselves. This is because those places are where their little minds are carefully cleansed of the false ideas that parent instill in them. That is also why the VRWC believes that parents should take part in children's education instead of relegating the task to the government. There is always the danger that the government will discover the kernels of bizarre ideas that parents traditionally teach children about morals, virtue, honesty, and self-reliance and cleanse them of such trash, even to the point of helping them to understand how a thing can be bad, evil immoral and wrong and right at the same time. This, of course, frustrates our efforts immensely. Once they discover that truth is a dynamic quantity that conveniently changes according to your desires our chances of brainwashing them to our way of thinking is very slim indeed.
Q. I suspect my child may be participating in your conspiracy. Is there any way I can know for sure?
A. In this crazy age many parents have legitimate concerns that their child may be involved in something like this. Sociologists and other unemployed humanities majors have developed a simple test to determine whether or not a person might have become a member of the VRWC without the knowledge of their "controlling legal authority" (formerly known as a "parent").
It is called the SMART test. Carefully (and without your child's noticing) observe whether his/her behavior has undergone a change to the point that he/she now:
- Says things that make sense.
- Makes intelligent observations while watching the news
- Asks pertinent questions about current events
- Rejects the official White House explanations of juvenile behavior.
- Tells the truth--ignoring the maxim that any reasonable person will lie about something that is embarrassing, shameful, or likely to put responsibility on himself instead of innocent people.
If your child tests positive in all five of these areas there's a very real possibility he or she may be a member of the VRWC--which in most cases in incurable. Your best hope is to take the test yourself to determine whether those tendencies are genetic. The only other treatment-- reading the Salon web site and watching Geraldo Rivera-- showed a lot of promise but further studies have shown that 97% of those who underwent that treatment ended up becoming lawyers, used car salesman or white house aides. Three percent actually found more honorable vocations as crack dealers and pimps, but those aren't the kind of odds I'd wanna' mess with.
Q. How do I get in touch with other members of the conspiracy?
A. Hey, this is a conspiracy, ergo, top secret. What do you think, we publish a directory? Well, actually, grab your local phone book, tear out the section in the yellow pages that lists the attorneys and you are holding a directory of the local members of the VRWC.