If you watch Star Trek you'll plainly remember
You don't want to be a minor crewmember.
Whenever some new guy appears on the screen
He'll probably get slaughtered before the next scene.
When the crew beams down to do exploration
And some hazard threatens them with annihilation
The regular cast will escape with their lives,
But the anonymous crewmember never survives.
The starship Free Enterprise guided by Captain
Jean Luc PicKlinton keeps getting trapped in
The Scandelsclese system, but through all the strife
Captain PicKlinton has led a charmed life.
When faced with a charging giant Travelofuscrewup
PicKlinton commanded to "Beam the whole crew up!"
But the transporter malfunctioned, as it's wont to do,
And beamed up PicKlinton but none of the crew.
Ensign Dale had been standing behind ol' Jean Luc
(A fatal position in anyone's book)
PicKlinton just vanished, out of harm's way,
And Billy Dale, Ensign, was lost on that day.
I wondered "Who's that?" when Vince Foster appeared.
Oops! He's a goner, just as I'd feared.
Then Noose-Bomb went down followed close by Web Hubbell.
But somehow PicKlinton avoided the trouble.
The game was all over, or seemed so to us,
When PicKlinton caught Cheetin-onis-taxus virus.
But that malady that's fatal to ordinary men
Just passed through PicKlinton like eggs through a hen.
No one's surprised that he got off Scot free
Since PicKlinton has shown his knack previously.
He lived through an outbreak of Zoe Baird measles
And swam through the quagmire of stock trading sleazles.
He weathered the onslaught of Troopers that Tattle
And somehow escaped from the Paula-Jones battle.
And exposed to the fumes of toxic Gennifer flowers
Just didn't inhale-- What sly mental powers!
PicKlinton's long history of deft bullet dodging
Dates back to the days when he took up lodging
In the Oxford sector where everything was calm
While his classmates were dying in the galaxy of Nam.
PicKlinton's developed a strategy he uses
When danger arises on one of the cruises.
He first floods the sector with Imcooperatin haze
While vanishing documents with Denyitol rays.
Commander Panetta then comes on the stage.
"Those Republicanese are behind this outrage.
Let's launch an attack." Is his recommendation.
"Make it so." says PicKlinton without hesitation.
The crew then attacks using Lion Leftenrite.
But that beast ate all the credibilitum in sight.
So now Jean Luc's lion feeds on all his lines
Of I.M.2 Picdon and Newtsatfault wines.
In spite of his efforts, before things are through
PicKlinton must sacrifice one of the crew.
The captain escapes -- That fact you rely on
But his crew has the half-life of a Curium ion.
Among tales of cast who could not save their skins
Was that brutal slaying of David Watkins
Already injured by the Travelofuscrewup
Didn't survive when golfcoptergate blew up.
In many of the episodes VronBraun got in trouble
And finally wound up in a pile of burnt rubble.
MyKespy got jettisoned into the sun
Sacrificed to the gods of Publica-Pinyun.
PicKlinton reached out to Cisneros-the-needy
But abandoned Bilque Ennidy and DUI Deedee
Lani, Doc Foster, and Kimbawood too
Got terminated before even joining the crew.
Captain PicKlinton knew just what to do
When Chief McDougal and that guy Tucker too
Got caught in white water--He'd rescue them both
By charging right in with Lion Underoath.
His desperate attempt was too little, too late.
Those hapless crewmen were swept to their fate.
PicKlinton was in it clear up to his nose
Then somehow escaped smelling just like a rose.
If you doubt Jean Luc's skill at his skin-saving stunts
Remember the captain before him that once
Ventured to Scandalsclese one single trip.
Remember DikNickson went down with his ship.
In the latest installment the saga persists
When Effbeeaiy-philes surround the starship.
Last time we counted nine hundred or more
Appeared out of nowhere. It was curtains for sure.
Just when it seemed the whole outfit was doomed
Young Ensign Livingstone appeared in the room.
"PicKlinton!" I shout out loud at the TV.
"He's a kid, he'll be slaughtered! Don't send him!" I plea.
PicKlinton took charge, and, true to his style,
Sent the young ensign to deal with the 'philes.
Sent Livingstone out to be eaten alive--
Small price to pay for the skipper to survive.
When the smoke clears and the enemy's gone
The bodies are counted and the credits come on
The last one left standing, to no one's surprise,
Is Jean Luc PicKlinton of the Free Enterprise.
Frank Leany
